my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He has the fingertips of a God
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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