have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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