You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
