she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
