I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
