So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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