I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i will never coherently bang her
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
