I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
