do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
