i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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