Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
