Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
