My hand turned me down
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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