Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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