I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
