there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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