I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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