so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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