i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
