My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
