you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
