I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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