if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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