KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
