i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
