It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
