sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
