I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
