On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
