Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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