Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
