I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
