Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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