can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
