Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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