Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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