guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I cannot find my penis.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
