I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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