My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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