I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
