I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My vagina just clenched in fear
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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