jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
