The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
That reminds me...we need to get swords
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
