I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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