I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
