we're chasing vodka with high fives
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
