I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
