Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
