so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
