My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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