Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
