I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
