I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
